this is for my own personal thoughts and ramblings.

log 1, 6/29/24

summertime is strange. it's so nice to have no responsibilities and get to do what i want. but i'm getting pretty melancholic. maybe it's because i'm at my mom's house- and she always seems to be going through the wringer. i feel bad for her, but it's gone on for so long that i just want to get away. i... just kind of want to get away from everything and simply stay with myself. i think i really want more independence- i'm a very independent person. i don't like depending on people for two reasons. one is if they're bad at giving me what i need, or that my actions can affect them negatively, and if i was simply doing the thing for myself, the only person who'd take the fall for my mistakes is me.

i don't really want to need anyone, but i also want that.

god, i need a therapist. my mind feels so confusing these days. i'm so confused and tired and sad and i want it to go away. i just wish everyone was content, so that i could be more content.

i mean, i'm already pretty content. i think it's just mama's that makes me like this. i feel awful for feeling like this about my mom, as this is the best she can do, but i still feel so heavy and sad. i think i'm allowed to wish for something better.

i want a lot of things. i feel like they're things i should have already, and me wanting them is arrogant or prideful. i think i want more friends on my level. i'd like them to care for themselves as i do. all of my friends feel so self destructive in a way that feels hard to be around. i know stability is a lot to wish for for a bunch of 15-16 year olds, and that's something you might find a bit more in college once you can escape the hellhole of high school. but god, i feel like i have a right to wish.

i should probably go looking- there are people my age who are probably doing even better than i am that live here. i should start looking. if i want something better for myself, and it's within my grasp and all i need to do is act, why settle for what i have?

im listening to sundown syndrome by tame impala and i think its really funny how the chorus has a literal kazoo instrumental and how he STILL MANAGES TO MAKE THAT SOUND GOOD LOL

did you know tame impala is just one guy

i've also been playing a lot of pokefarm lately, as well as keeping up with all of the new deltarune theories & jokes. asgore ran dess over with his truck

right i still need to do a proper examination playthrough of ch3 and 4. i'll log my findings and theories in my webshrine. i'm still thinking about how to decorate it!

but yeah, despite all of my inner turmoil (hopefully i can help resolve some of it with a back treatment.) life in summertime has been lovely. i've built up a nice routine for myself, and hopefully getting my driver's license will help open up more opportunities to be independent. i think i can handle independence alright. we'll see.