9/14/25 - being busy, motivation, and uncertainty if this will last

hello!!!! school started up and so i've been thrown headfirst into scheduling, schoolwork, events.. etc etc. i'm a lot lot busier than i was last year, but it's not as bad as last year because i genuinely enjoy and want to learn about pretty much all of my subjects now. i take some damn hard classes, and when i say hard i pretty much just mean my ap bio class. everything moves crazy fast and i'm worried if i'll be able to keep up. the rest of my classes are pretty easy so far, but that's mainly because they take everything at a bit of a slower pace. or maybe im just smart lol

i've had quite a few validating experiences going into junior year. i've realized how cool fully teaching myself how to code actually is, like that's actually pretty sick of me. like woah cool. a lot of people have told me i'm a beautiful singer, and i sing way more than i've used to. i used to worry a lot more that i was a lot worse than i was, but after taking up lessons i've come into my own with my voice a lot more.
having a car is so much fun singing in my car is the best thing ever. also my voice range is apparently pretty impressive which is sick. i'm a really good student- i think it runs in the family- and my main hinderance was my pace. i get work done really slowly. and while some of it i just can't help because it's just how i function, i think i've come to realize how much i get thrown off of my game when i sleep less. like i was zoned out for a full day. so, if i don't want to have breakdowns i just gotta sleep

because of how busy i've been and also THAT NEOCITIES IS BLOCKED ON SCHOOL WIFI FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU IT WASN'T BLOCKED LAST YEAR i haven't really been able to code much. i have a new index layout that i made near the end of the summer that i'm still working on incorporating, but progress is moving at a snail's pace. i think that's okay, though. i'm happy right now, and obviously i still have a bit of time because i'm writing this blog entry. i have a notes app page that i'll scratch design ideas into when inspiration strikes, and if i ever have a day to kill i'll try to make them a reality.

but there's this sort of dread i've been feeling. i have a burst of motivation to be an excellent student at the start of the year, but historically it hasn't lasted. i break down over time, becoming more and more weary and tired. i couldn't keep up with the pace everyone else seemed to hold so easily, i didn't have the endurance to keep going. i worry that it'll be the same story- and i worry that with how much i have on my plate this time, that my failures will be even worse. all i can really do is hope that things will be different, and believe in myself that i can do this. because i really want to. i want to prove to myself that i have the capability. it's more than just a good grade to me.
my circumstances are different than last years', and i have more going for me this time. also i like my classes more. i think i have the ability, i just hope stuff goes well.